| Families under pressure | October 28, 1998 |
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Parents need support to handle family crises In the five years that Parent Watch has been operating we have seen a gradual but significant change in the types of conflict families are trying to manage. In 1993 Parent Watch saw families who were stressed and in dispute, but still hopeful. Families are now coming to us in full-blown crisis. Parents now describe problems that are more extreme and more numerous for each family. There appears to be more anxiety among parents who don't know how to respond to what they see or how to make sense out of the way their children are acting. This doesn't mean families aren't trying to solve these problems and to reduce their conflict. It may mean that they are following predictable but outdated or ineffective patterns of seeking support. They are going to professionals, waiting in lines, and becoming increasingly frustrated. They are trying 20 resources at once, and with every rejection get more disillusioned as parents and community members. Peer pressure Even more striking is the extent of parents' isolation and distrust of other adults. They are worried about judgement, censure and rejection from family members, neighbours, colleagues, and employers. When we consider the level of fear, anxiety and denial that parents contend with, why are we surprised that our children succumb to peer pressure in order to avoid the same feelings or experiences? Parents need to assess how distraught they are making themselves by trying to live up to their own expectations in their role as parents. In order to help them to manage their own anxiety and frustration we would like to encourage parents to start their own 'home study course' in family management while they are waiting for all those professionals to call back. Remember that you are not alone. If we are to survive parenting we must reach out, but not blindly or in panic hoping for rescue. We need to reach out in a planned way to people who support our values and who, in turn, value our support. Parents are doing the best job they can, but too many of us are doing it without support. Isolation is especially destructive. It breeds distorted beliefs of what parents should be doing and unrealistic distrust of their own abilities. Isolation also leaves parents vulnerable to the type of criticisms, whether real or imagined, that we're trying so hard to avoid. When we feel like failures as parents-depressed and self-critical-we are more vulnerable to substance abuse, overeating and out-of-control spending in an effort to make ourselves feel better. We also need to take time to plan and to support ourselves. The hardest thing about being parents is simply taking care of ourselves. Will our children value themselves and their individuality if we don't value ourselves? We will parent much more confidently if we meet each situation by giving ourselves time to evaluate how we feel and to plan a response that we are comfortable with. We need to understand our own issues, values and anxieties. Once we are clear on what is important to us, then we can better manage situations (like many of those with children) in which our values and standards are being challenged. As the number of personal crises increase in the community helping professionals need to slow down and deal with the basics rather than getting as anxious as the parents who are seeking help. Parent Watch Professionals need to assist parents in relying on their ability to understand, prioritize and evaluate the issues they face. Integral to supporting parents is starting with a review of what is working in their lives and what they do well. We believe that the answers to much of what confuses and harms our children can be dealt with by the combined efforts of communities of parents, such as is provided by groups like Parent Watch. But a parent support group is only as good as its ability to create positive, encouraging relationships among parents, which they can then use to improve situations in their families. A secure sense of connection with caring people is the foundation of personality development. It's as necessary to adult success as it is to children's.  Back to the articles menu
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