| Home is your sanctuary | June 11, 1998 |
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You have right to use any legal means to establish control Last month was the five-year anniversary for Parent Watch. In this day and age a five-year relationship between people is considered extraordinary. Almost 50 per cent of new marriages fail in the first three years. It's because of our relationship with parents that Parent Watch has continued to exist and grow. To every parent who has ever attended a Parent Watch meeting we say congratulations. You deserve it. Why not? Some of you will recall how much courage it took to come to your first meeting especially when your adolescent put you through the third degree and challenged your right to go out amongst the world and find out that you weren't alone. Many of you told us that it had been years since you'd gone out, leaving your children at home alone for even a couple of hours. Most of you have never had a vacation without the kids-ever. We sadly remember those parents who came to only one meeting and never returned because they were afraid of how angry their children would be if they ever found out where they had been. Over the course of the past five years we have been shocked to find that many parents believe they have fewer 'rights' than their children. Our hearts go out to those parents who have broken their silence about having been threatened and or assaulted by their children. These incidents, which appear to be increasing in frequency today, do not usually show up on anyone's statistics. Guilt, shame, lack of support, and feelings of failure prevent reporting. Who do abused parents call when they find themselves victimized by their own children? Now don't get us wrong. Most children don't abuse their parents. It's that growing minority that causes us great concern. Remember that most statistics require the victim to report an incident to the police in order that a count can take place. The majority of parents we come into contact with tell us that they don't report being victimized by their children because they are afraid their children will go to jail. Many people who are not familiar with Parent Watch ask what makes us so different. The difference between Parent Watch and some of the more traditional parent support groups is that the parents are the experts, not the "professionals." Textbooks do not provide the real and lived solutions that parents are able to create, experience and share in the group. When you come to a Parent Watch meeting you are treated as an equal with respect and kindness. You are not judged, discredited, embarrassed, ridiculed, or abused. Instead you are valued as a person-parent who has the power to change your family environment. We teach you that your home is your sanctuary and that no one has the right to violate the sanctuary. That means no violence, abuse or drugs allowed in the sanctuary, and if someone chooses to violate those expectations you have the right to use every legal and morally appropriate means to establish control. The term control is a very important one to Parent Watch. If your child is out of control then both of you are not safe. The words control and safety then become synonymous to us. As a parent you do have a responsibility to ensure the safety of everyone in the sanctuary. Right to privacy Parent Watch also talks about privacy. Many parents believe it is improper to search their child's room. If your child gives you reason to be suspicious then your right to ensure their safety outweighs their right to privacy. There are many reasons why your level of concern and vigilance could increase. For example if you notice money missing, chances are you didn't suddenly lose your memory; your child's moods suddenly and unexpectedly change; your child begins to lie continually; or your child starts breaking curfew. The list goes on. (You'll have to attend a Parent Watch meeting to find out other signals.) In the five years of service we have compiled a list of information and interventions that our parents have found useful. There are too many to cite so we'll mention just few. One parent couldn't understand why they had not heard from their daughter's school in weeks, especially since she had an attendance problem earlier in the year. Little did they know that the school had in fact tried on numerous occasions to call home, but the line was always busy. What had happened was that the daughter had put a block on the line so that the home could not receive calls from the school number. One day the school social worker got so frustrated they used a pay phone in the school which led to the discovery of a call block. Another parent had concerns about the boys who were driving up to the house to see her daughter. The rule she set up was that any boy that wanted to take her daughter out in a car had to produce a drivers licence, insurance, plus plate number. Curfew violations Two parents had difficulties with their daughter obeying a curfew on a Friday night. What they did was meet with a police officer at a Parent Watch meeting and arranged to direct the police to the area in town their daughter frequented. The message the officer relayed to the girl through her parents was that if he were called he would charge her friends for curfew violations if they were on probation and thank her for bringing them to his attention. The girl did not want to become unpopular with her friends so negotiated with her parents for a more reasonable curfew. There was a problem at a particular beer store where underage youths were buying beer through older youths. A group of Parent Watch parents took a video camera to the beer store and began filming those under age. This had a profound effect on the sale of beer that evening. The word also went out that there was a group of parents, not vigilantes, who were prepared to act in the best interests of their children. How many of you have had to ground a teenager, then ended up giving up your evening out only to be subjected to the constant torture of badgering. Don't you have a life too? Our parents suggest that you invite some of your friends over for a social visit, preferably five couples or 10 friends. This will show your child that you do have a life and that your life is not held hostage. If you are not sure whom to invite, then do what our parents do. They invite a very understanding group of people, Parent Watch parents. The parents of Parent Watch are encouraged to use high tech surveillance such as 'Call display' and to record phone numbers and names. We have many meetings where parents share names, phone numbers and in some instances pictures. This has proven particularly helpful in the case of runaways, drug dealers and just trying to figure out who the kids are. One year we had a bicycle-riding young offender who approached women and made sexual comments to them. A picture from a car was taken and brought to a Parent Watch meeting. The young male was identified at the meeting to some parents and the information was forwarded to the police. Our final example of proactive work was the several night-time walks Parent Watch conducted with the assistance of Halton police. One evening we had arranged for more than 30 parents on bicycles to come out with a village constable so that they could see with their own eyes where some youths congregate at night and what actually goes on. These walks and rides helped to 'target harden' parents as to the issues of loitering, vandalism, and drug abuse. In addition to this we have had several drug presentations made to parents to assist in target-hardening parents. In closing we thank our major supporters, parents and in particular the local newspapers for their advertising and coverage of the issues that face children and their parents today. We hope the next five years prove as helpful to parents as the past five.  Back to the articles menu
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