| A little friendly reminder | March 3, 1999 |
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Buddy system can work to keep our teens safe (Dedicated to all the young Burlington high school women who rallied to support their friend who was recently sexually assaulted). Our adolescents spend a lot of time without us. They are separating from us emotionally and physically. Consequently we worry about them drinking and doing drugs. We worry about how vulnerable they are when stoned or drunk. The places they go to feel sophisticated and popular - the clubs, the raves, the parties - can be dangerous. Full of courage, bravado, and daring, often abetted by booze or drugs, they can be assaulted, robbed, beaten, even raped. We preach and plead with them about safety, cautions, back-up plans. They appear to ignore us or dismiss our fears as irrelevant. How can we get teenagers to learn to take care of themselves before they're traumatized? We have to encourage them to take care of each other. Children in their pre-teens instinctively band together knowing that together they have enough safety and confidence to approach, and to be approached by, adults or avoid unsafe situations. They don't abandon each other; they are aware of their own limitations and wary of the possible consequences. Adolescents are more world-wise and physically more mature. They feel more entitled to define their own needs. They may respond to cooler, calmer, more cautious friends with disdain. When drunk or stoned, adolescents are more likely to feel invincible and more prone to impulsive decisions. What works against dependable friendships and good planning is teens' anxiety about belonging and their determination to meet their own needs. Although pre-teens and young adolescents will tell us that friends are all important and that what they value in a friend is loyalty, they often change best friends or entire groups quite quickly. Loyalty and the mutuality of true friendship are attributes that need to be seen as not only desirable but also essential to develop. Adolescents need to distinguish between blind loyalty to any friend and the consequence of any action they take and its impact on not only their own welfare but also the welfare of the entire group. They have to be able to rely on each other to have some judgement and a sense of obligation to their group. If adolescents stick together they can use the 'group conference' to delay decision-making appropriately to review options and consider consequences. Confronted individually by invitation, coercion or threat, they may agree right away so they feel they are in control over the situation. But in doing so they may set themselves up. One way to help adolescents develop these protective skills is to reinforce practical aspects of their allegiance to peers. We have to encourage them to evaluate:  which friends they have the most fun with, which friends they can be themselves with, which friends will listen to them, which friends they will listen to and why, which friend would look out for them, including going for help in a crisis, and which friends they would look out for, including going for help in a crisis.In early adolescence our kids ask the question "Where do I fit in?" Their answer needs to be "a group where I can have fun, be myself and be safe." In order to help them find a group that meets those requirements we have to foster their spirit of independence, to draw this out of them in conversation by asking them what they would do about difficult or risky situations involving them or their friends. We can remind them that the other members of their group depend upon them and their qualities, and that their opinions and behaviour contribute to the relationships that hold the group together. We can encourage them (by our own behaviour) to practice relying on their values and individuality to sustain the relationships that work for them. Instead of following the group's judgement, we help them understand the power of developing their own judgement and using that to promote safety in the group. We need to ask our teenagers what their expectations are of themselves and their friends, and what obligation they feel to friends and to themselves. Adolescents repeatedly tell us that their friends are everything and that they can't tolerate the idea of rejection. They need help to see that subjecting themselves repeatedly to the will of the group buys short-term allegiance and is offset by the anxiety that accompanies trying to maintain membership. This is the downfall of gangs. Membership is based on intimidation, the promise of protection and negative sanctions rather than appreciation and support for individual contributions. Effective leaders/friends ask "What can we do that will make the most sense for everyone," rather than "I'm going to start something and I expect you all to be behind me whether you agree or not." Our teens' own welfare and that of their friends can be a positive priority, one that can work for them and you, the anxious parent. Talk with them about the buddy system, how they need to take care of each other in potentially risky situations, rather than abandon their friends and only look out for themselves.  Back to the articles menu
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